This & That.

I just need to write. If you start to read this, just know I don’t care if you do or not so don’t waste your time. Call me selfish, this vent is my own. -There’s a sadness tucked away in me that I have been good at hiding for many months. I’ve changed for the better, I would say. (Of course, there’s still a lot I have to work on but I’ve taken baby steps and I do not expect this process to go any faster.) Before I splurge out tons of negative thoughts, I am going to take this moment to remind myself that I have a lot of good in my life, and I believe every day is worth living. But I ask myself, why are you still secretly hurting? Or is my mind just playing tricks on me because it constantly over analyzes simple thoughts. Whatever the answer may be, I will never know. Nor will anybody else. My heart still needs healing, and I am not ashamed to admit that…to anyone. To be completely blunt to myself, I fucked myself up. I chose to waste myself away into a world of misery and eventually I just became “comfortably numb” (to say the least). The worst part about being therewas that I was completely aware of the thousands or possibly millions of other teenagers who had (or still have) it WAYworse than I did, and I don’t see them with sadness written all over their face. But there I was…crying to myself about how much physical and mental pain I was in. I felt pathetic and weak, but I choseto be sad, I choseto not smile. At the time, trying to pretend being “okay” was not an option because I was not okay…nothingwas okay. Eventually, I obviously got out of this rut. How? Even I can’t tell myself how I climbed out, but I made it out alive and basically “cleansed” myself of all negativity and bad habits. I’m afraid of slipping back into that dark place of my life, sometimes it feels like it still tries to define gravity and suck me in. I worry a lot about my sanity, because nothing about myself last year was sane. The labels I could place on myself are endless, and the people who were close to me during that time could probably think of a few as well. For right now, all I can do is try to keep bettering myself and my life. Maybe more people will notice the change and me, and be proud. Just like I want to be with myself.